Why Russia & China will Eat Your Lunch by AF Jones
by haraguro-tan
Summary: America hosts a call-in talkshow to interview Russia and China for yet another book on Russia-China bilateral relations. To save the show from lame content about America's heroic deeds, you are all invited to write in with questions for the couple!
1. A Very Bad Start

**Author's note:** Inspired by Liouxhin's doujin Guo Jie which touches on American political and economic analysts' obsession with the Russia-China connection, and because I badly wanted to do an 'Ask Russia and China' interactive kind of fic, I came up with this idea of Alfred interviewing Ivan and Yao on a call-in talkshow for his new Russia-China book.

I wanted to base the title off one such existing book about Russia-China relations, so I googled Russia-China, and lo and behold, I came across this article http_ :/_/www_reuters_com/article/idUSTRE64R4Y520100528 "Why Russia and China will eat your Lunch". Apart from it being such a funny and eye-catching title, it's a review on a book called "The End of the Free Market", which discusses China and Russia's State Capitalism. Due to the nature of the book and article, I think the title is very apt for this story. And it reflects Alfred's desire to warn the world against anything related to Communism. However, do note that this story has nothing to do with State Capitalism or Communism.

I'm mostly trying to keep this below T, but there will be sexual innuendos and sexual references, considering how um... perverted many Rochu fans are.

I'm sorry, I really know I should try to finish up existing fics, but I just wanted to start this soooo badly XD I will get back to Taming the Polar Bear and all the fics I promised to write soon!

**Axis Powers Hetalia (C) Hidekaz Himaruya. The plot is mine though, and subsequent ideas will eventually stem from readers, so don't copy it or 'adapt' it without permission.  
All characters are not representative of the countries whose names they coincidentally share.**

* * *

**Chapter 1: A Very Bad Start  
**

"China, Russia, I can't thank you both enough for agreeing to appear on my talk show!" America gushed as he ushered his two important guests into their seats in the studio.

"Anything to stop you from harrassing me about my currency aru," China sighed as he sat down on the couch and crossed his legs elegantly.

"I'll stop bugging you about it if my book sells well enough to repay all my debts," America nodded eagerly, idiot hair bouncing cheerfully.

"Wouldn't that take forever da?" Russia remarked as he took his seat beside China. "China, are you sure you don't want me to help you put an end to his harrassment? It won't take long. Kolkolkolkol~"

America paled as Russia shot him a sweet smile, a smile contradictory to his intimidating action of tapping his water pipe against his palm.

"No no, Russia, I'm too old for another World War aru. Thanks but no, thanks," China hastily said. America heaved a sigh of relief. He knew that in actuality, China would have no qualms bringing on his Shaolin moves if angered, and was thankful for China's usually peaceful personality.

"Now that we're all agreeable that there will be no aggression, can I get the cameras to start rolling?" America asked. "I'm kind of running on a tight budget."

"Don't we have a script aru?"

"There's no need for a script. You both just be yourselves!" Settling down in the host's seat adjacent to Russia, America signalled to his production crew.

"Lights, Camera, Action!"

America beamed into the camera, two rows of white, straight teeth twinkling merrily.

"Good evening! I'm Alfred F. Jones and you're watching my talk show _Hero of the World_! Tonight I have with us two very dangerous - China arched an eyebrow and Russia tapped his waterpipe faster - sorry, very important guests, China and Russia! Round of applause please!"

Mechanical applause echoed throughout the studio until the sound effects technician turned it off.

"The title of today's talk show is "Why Russia and China will Eat Your Lunch"! We're going to touch on..."

"Why Russia and China will Eat Your Lunch? What sort of title is that da?" Russia cocked his head in response to the strange title.

"Aiya why would I want to eat your lunch aru? Hamburgers are the most disgusting and unhealthy food in the world aru!" China scoffed.

"It's just an allegory. Besides, hamburgers rock the world! You guys don't appreciate them because they're food for heroes!" America said haughtily.

"An allegory of what exactly aru?"

"Of you both being so formidable together that you'll end up killing everyone else. In other words, I'm calling your partnership a powerful one. Happy?"

"Hmm... it makes us sound evil though aru..."

"If you want a better allegory, try "Why Russia will Eat China"~ I'll be glad to supply you with material to publish enough books to get you out of debt in one month, free of charge too ~" Russia said cheerfully.

A red-faced China opened his mouth to retort, but was interrupted by America.

"Would you really?" Dollar signs appeared in America's blue eyes. "That's a deal! Let's meet at Starbucks after the talkshow for a private chat? My treat..."

"If you dare publish even one book, I'll ban it from my land! You'll lose out on the world's biggest consumer market and the publishing fees will bankrupt you aru!" China threatened.

"Who cares? You've already banned so many of my books and films anyway. Besides, Hungary is sure to buy up the whole lot if the content is what I think it is," America said confidently.

"Oh it is, it is~" Russia beamed. "You know how much I adore showing the world that China is mine~"

"I'm not yours! You're both ganging up against me aru! This isn't fair! I refuse to do this talkshow!" China got to his feet and made to stomp off.

"Wah! I'm sorry China! Don't walk out on me now! I took a loan just to produce this talkshow!" America cried. Suspicions towards the Communist nation and ex-Communist nation kicking in, he couldn't help wondering if Russia was merely messing with him to get him into even deeper debt. Russia had proven himself to be very intelligent and cunning, and his nuclear arms race had been one of the reasons that America was still swimming in debts. Russia could not possibly be so kind to share his and China's private life with him just to get him out of debt.

"Russia, we'll shelf that for now all right? I just need to get this show done and over with. You don't want China to lock you out of his house right?" America said.

China "hmmphed" but sat back down on the couch. Russia stuck out his lower lip.

"So, back to the show! Why Russia will Eat China! No, I mean, Why Russia and China will Eat Your Lunch!" America flashed a megawatt smile at the camera.

In a bid to create some form of formal introduction for his guests, America proceeded to explain their geographical location, "China is based in the South of the Indian Ocean while Russia..."

China groaned. "Aiya! I don't live on the South of the Indian Ocean aru! That's Antarctica! I'm in the North aru!"

"Really? But my map here says..." America took out a map from his pocket and scrutinized it carefully. He tilted it one way. He flipped in around. He turned it 360 degrees, but he still could not locate China's house.

"You've got a map of America, da," Russia said sardonically, having noticed at a glance that his obviously massive house was missing from the defective world map.

"Gee, I distinctively asked the Walmart staff for a World Map," America crumpled up the map and threw it aside.

"Honestly, I can't believe that after all these years, you still don't know where my house is aru!" China shook his head.

"And why exactly should America know where China's house is? What have you two been doing together _all these years_? Kolkolkolkol~" Russia said ominously, his tone dripping with jealousy.

"Aiya! What I mean is, I've been around for so long that everyone knows I'm below you aru!"

The purple haze around Russia evaporated. Russia looked alarmingly happy.

"Da~ It's true everyone knows that I always top you, but America doesn't know apparently~ so we will show him da?"

Without warning, Russia shoved China into a lying-down position and began fiddling with the buttons on his collar.

"Aiya! What the hell are you doing aru! We're on air!" China cried as he tried to push Russia away.

"Stop it! This is live telecast and my show is on prime time TV!" America shouted agitatedly.

"Exactly~ I told you, didn't I? I love showing the world that China is mine~ Kolkolkolkol~"

Following a loud ripping sound of silk brocade, America yelled "Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!"

A Macs commercial appeared on the screen, not before China's yells of 'Noooooo aru!" echoed through every American living room with a television set.

**To be continued...**

* * *

And that concludes Chapter 1! In the next Chapter, Russia and China will start taking questions from the audience, so you're all invited to call in (write in) with questions! Please limit yourselves to 1 question per review only (don't leave multiple reviews obviously), unless they are very closely related or follow-up questions. America will try his very best to make Russia and China answer all your questions! You're welcome to come up with the most perverted, wildest, silliest, funniest whatsoever questions your mind can dream up. Anything! As long as the questions are Rochu-related. This is a Russia x China fic after all!


	2. Infernal Affairs

**Caution:**  
**This chapter supports US x UK and denies Russia x Lithuania & England x China**

**Axis Powers Hetalia (C) Hidekaz Himaruya. The plot is mine though, and subsequent ideas will eventually stem from readers, so don't copy it or 'adapt' it without permission.  
All characters are not representative of the countries whose names they coincidentally share.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 2: Infernal Affairs  
**

"Welcome back to Hero of the World!" America greeted the audience. "Apologies for the long commercial break. We had to wait for our guests to er... finish up their activity."

America gave a wary glance at his guests. China's red, silk Mandarin Jacket was now replaced by an oversized Tshirt that said 'I Love America'. Russia glared moodily at the offending print.

"For those who just joined us, our discussion topic is 'Why Russia and China will eat your Lunch'. Since we haven't got any insightful information from the first segment, let's just go straight to the questions, shall we?" America eyed Russia and China cautiously.

"Sure, I can't wait to get this over and done with aru," China said tiredly.

"I can't wait to get China out of this ugly shirt da," Russia quipped, earning a glare from China.

"So," America raised his voice. "While you both were busy, we received several calls from the public. The first one is from chibimeli who asks 'How did you both fall in love with each other?'"

"I... I can't remember aru," China blushed profusely.

"It's all right, I remember da~ It was love at first sight when we met at Mongolia's house in the 13th century~ China shielded me from a beating when I burnt Mongolia's dinner. It was the first time someone was so kind to me, so I made up my mind from then on that I would repay his kindness with my body when I grow up da~ Obviously China liked me too because when we became neighbours in the 16th century, despite not knowing each other's language and culture, China was very eager to establish diplomatic relations with me, or so he calls it. Of course I know better that what he really wanted was to become one with me da~!" Russia's eyes glazed over at the sweet memories.

"Aiya what is this utter rubbish aru! Yes, I shielded you from Mongolia because you were such a cute little boy back then unlike now, but everything else is hogwash! First of all, it was _you_ who kept coming over to my house to harrass me. Secondly, I clearly remember myself kicking you out of my house every single time aru," China retorted.

"All right, China, so how exactly did you fall in love with Russia? Because if you 'don't remember', I'm just going to take Russia's answer for both of you and you'll be officially labeled as a pedophile," America said.

"Fine!" China snapped, "I started going out with him after I became the People's Republic of China because my boss wanted me to aru!"

A crocodile grin appeared on America's face while Russia's face fell.

"What a lousy reason!" America laughed. "And when was that? 1949? That sure took you hell of a long time, Russia!"

"But then..." China's voice grew smaller, "He proved to be quite nice to me and he did help me in some substantial ways, compared to everyone else anyway, so I fell in love with him aru."

"Aww~ China loves me after all~" a smile reappeared on Russia's face.

"Still took you hell of a long time though," America smirked.

"China, your memory must be failing from old age da~ How do you explain your gifts of the Amur lands and Ussuri krai and all that land you gave me in the 18th century then? Aren't they your dowry to me? I know that in Chinese customs, the bride's parents will prepare dowry for the husband da~"

"Dowry my foot! I did not give them to you! You took them by force, in other words, you robbed me aru! I can't believe you're so thick-skinned to bring that up again! And my memory is very good! I remember all those times when you tried to poke your large nose into my politics and steal my land!" China stomped his foot in anger.

"I wasn't messing with your politics or stealing your land! Everything I do for China is out of concern and love, because China belongs to me da!" Russia hugged China, oblivious to his anger.

China slapped his hands away, "Because this Russian bear is so full of himself, we had a huge fight and broke up shortly after aru."

"But that doesn't matter now da? Since we're back together? Even America is afraid of us all over again. Kolkolkolkol~"

"You think too highly of yourselves! The Hero fears nothing!" America retorted stoutly.

"But you should be afraid! I have the largest house and largest population in the world after all~"

"Wow your geography is worst than mine. Isn't it China with the largest popula... Oh, I get it," America rolled his eyes.

"America, can I quit this show now? I fear I may commit murder when my blood pressure boils over aru," China seethed.

Before America could voice his protest, Russia undid his scarf and threw it around China.

"Aiya! What the-?"

"If I tie you up, you won't be able to murder anyone da?"

"Let me go! You have no right to tie me up aru!" China cried as Russia began wrapping his scarf tightly around China's torso and arms.

"Why ever not? You're mine da? I can do what I want with you~ Kolkolkolkol~"

"We'll be back after a commercial break!" America shouted as Russia pounced on China.

* * *

"Welcome back to Hero of the World!" America greeted the audience. "Apologies for the long commercial break yet again! We had to accomodate our guests' busy schedule." He glanced meaningfully at a furious China and a cheerful Russia. China's "I Love America" Tshirt, ripped in various areas strategically covered by Russia's scarf, now said "I love r".

"To sum up, the answer to how they fell in love with each other was 'love at first sight' for Russia and 'on boss' orders' for China. I hope that answers your question, chibimeli! Next up, PurpleLeopard wants to know if you have cheated on each other and why?"

"No," Russia and China said unanimously.

"Ahaha that was surprisingly quick!" America laughed. "On to the next one then..."

"Hold on, what do you mean 'surprisingly' quick? Why should it be surprising that China has not cheated on me? Do you know something that I don't? I wonder if it has something to do with the 'I love America' shirt. Kolkolkolkol~"

"And what exactly are you trying to imply by this aru?" China narrowed his eyes.

"Well you see, I'm hurt that you always refuse to wear my 'I love Russia' Tshirts, yet you didn't even bat an eyelid when America asked you to put on this wretched shirt. It makes me wonder if there is more to your relationship than meets the eye~" Russia was now emitting a murderous aura.

"I don't exactly have a choice do I? Seeing that you ruined my shirt and this is the only spare clothing in the studio aru!" China snapped.

"I offered you my coat, but you turned it down da?"

"Because I know you'd be cold without it, you idiot!"

"You made my heart colder when you declared your love for America with his tshirt!"

"Hold on guys, would you mind leaving me out of your squabble? My heart belongs to Iggy alone," America clarified hastily.

"Speaking of _Iggy_," Russia said ominously, "I've heard rumours of how Hong Kong is your's and England's love child. Kolkolkolkol~"

China looked stunned and America's eyes popped. "Wait! What? Hong Kong is my Iggy's...my Iggy's... who said that!"

"Who's been spreading such horrible rumours! Hong Kong is my little brother aru!" China exclaimed.

"I don't think it matters _who_ said it if it's the truth da? Well, out with it, China? Did you or did you not have an affair with England?"

"Yes, out with it! Did you sleep with my Iggy?"

"How dare you doubt my integrity and morals! I would never do such a sordid thing! Never aru!" China cried. "If it's anyone who's had an affair, it would be you with your become one with me crap which you say to everyone, wouldn't it?"

"Ah when I say 'become one with me' to anyone else, it just means I want their land~ But when I use it on you, I want everything from your land to your body to your soul da~"

"Then what's this I hear about you making Lithuania don a maid costume for your _entertainment_?"

"That's because China doesn't want to wear a maid costume for me da?"

"Then it is true! You and Lithuania are having an affair! To think I waited for you all these years, in spite of all the horrible things you did to me after our split," China wept.

"No! I'm not having an affair with Lithuania! Lithuania's just my toy, whereas China..."

"So it's like I'm your wife and Lithuania's your mistress? That doesn't make it any less immoral aru!" China prodded Russia's chest angrily.

"Aww~ China, I'm very happy that you consider yourself my wife, but I assure you that Lithuania's not my..."

"Russia-sama, you called?" Lithuania came running into the studio, clad in a short, frilly French maid's dress complete with black stockings and garters.

As America and China goggled disbelievingly at the newcomer, Lithuania ran towards Russia and bowed profusely. "I'm so sorry, Russia-sama! I did my best to rush here as soon as you called me, I swear! But I've never been to America-san's studio before, so it took me awhile to locate it... please don't punish me, Russia-sama..."

"You see? You see? He comes in in _Russia-sama_'s favourite outfit when all _Russia-sama _has to do is think of him in it. It's like their brainwaves are attuned with each other! If that isn't the mark of emotional attachment, I don't know what is!" China gestured wildly at Lithuania.

"Er... it's nothing to do with brainwaves. I only came because Russia-sama summoned me with his pager," Lithuania held up his pager, whose display screen said 'Russian Slimeball.' He hastily stowed it away into his apron pocket. "Sorry, Poland must have changed your display name without my knowledge."

"And why did Poland call you Russian Slimeball?" China raised his voice. "Obviously because you've done perverted things to Lithuania aru!"

"No! I swear by my waterpipe that I only do perverted things to you, China!"

"I think deriving fun from seeing men in French maid outfits is rather a perverted hobby," America quipped.

"Shut up, America! Leave, Lithuania! I didn't page for you!" Russia hissed.

To his horror, Lithuania sat down on a spare arm chair and said, "I'm just going to sit here until you remember why you paged for me, because the last time I left when you forgot why you summoned me, I was bedridden for the whole of the following week."

"No no no! It's not what it sounds like," Russia cried as China's face grew redder and redder. "What he means is I walloped him until he couldn't get up. Damnit! Lithuania, leave now or I _will _make you bedridden for another week!"

"You have no right to order him around, Russia, he doesn't work for you anymore," America defended.

"Exactly! He's still at your beck and call even when he doesn't work for you anymore! Clearly, you two have something going on aru!"

"But I swear I didn't page him... Oh I get it, you must have accidentally paged for Lithuania when you poked my chest. I wear my pager around my neck you see~" Russia pulled open his collar and reached inside to pull out his pager.

"Lithuania is so important to you that you keep his contact near your heart. I know where I stand now," China balled his fists.

"No no, Lithuania isn't the only contact in my pager. You're on speed dial number 1, but you hit number 2 just now..."

"I don't like being expendable aru. Have fun with your number two. I'm leaving, America. Perhaps you should change the title of this talkshow to 'Why Russia will Eat Lithuania'".

"You're not leaving until you tell me whether you slept with my Iggy," America spread out his arms in front of China to block his exit.

"Why you...!"

The studio door burst open for a second time, revealing a disheveled Hong Kong, panting as though he had completed a marathon in record time.

"Mama!" he cried.

"Hong Kong?" China said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Mama!" Hong Kong ran towards China and threw his arms around him.

"Aiya! What's going on! Who are you calling 'Mama'?"

"Mama! I knew it! I knew it all along! I'm not an orphan after all! China is my Mama and England is my Papa! I have parents! I'm so happy! Can we reunite with Papa?" Hong Kong's usually emotionless face glowed with happiness. Russia stared, speechless, at the two tightly embracing figures. America sank down to the floor, muttering gibberish peppered with 'Iggy'.

"What are you talking about aru! I'm your Gege, not your Mama, and England has no relation to you at all!"

"Why doesn't Mama want to acknowledge both of us? If Papa let Mama down, I'll make him apologize to Mama. Come, let's go and meet Papa," Hong Kong took hold of China's hand and tried to pull him along, but Russia grabbed China's other hand roughly.

"So. You bore a child for another man behind my back and here you are, lecturing me about infidelity?"

"Aiya! Do I look like I can bear a child? I'm a man for heaven's sake!"

"They say anything is possible with supernatural beings, immortals included," Russia said quietly as he tightened his grip threateningly around China's slender wrist, causing China to wince in pain.

"Don't hurt my Mama! I'll break all your bones with my Bruce Lee moves!" Hong Kong shouted.

"China is not leaving until he explains why he has been cheating on me with England all this while," Russia whispered dangerously.

"How is Mama cheating on you when England is my Papa and you're just an outsider?" Hong Kong said stoically.

"Aiya! England is not your Papa! I'm not your Mama either! Will you both stop being ridiculous!" China threw off the tight grips on his wrists with his _qi_.

"If England is not my Papa, why do I have his thick eyebrows?" Hong Kong challenged.

"Because he cursed you for frightening him with your firecrackers aru?" China reminded him.

"Why do I look as grumpy as my Papa?"

"You're not grumpy-looking, Hong Kong, you're expressionless. They are two different things aru," China sighed.

"But I must have inherited my manly genes from somewhere since they're obviously not from you. I still think I look like England," Hong Kong mused wistfully.

Taking Hong Kong's stab at his masculinity in stride, China said, "Look, if you want a Papa so badly, I'll be both your Papa and Mama, so stop calling England Papa! Look what you've done to poor America!" China gestured at America, who was staring at the ceiling with eyes full of tears and a face void of expression."

"You just don't want me to acknowledge England as my Papa," Hong Kong said morosely.

"Because he is not your Papa aru!" China wailed.

"Just because you both divorced..."

"We were never married in the first place aru!"

"Then why did Papa get custody of me if he's not my Papa? Why did he transfer custody of me back to you? Isn't it because he still loves Mama?"

"England didn't get custody of you. He took you away from me and he's returning you to me now because you never belonged to him aru!"

"But if you're my Mama, someone has got to be my Papa!" Hong Kong stubbornly insisted.

"I'm not your Mama aru," China said, feeling like a broken record. To his alarm, Hong Kong began to cry.

"Why does nobody want me? Am I a bad child?"

"No aru! You're the most obedient one out of all your siblings. You're not a bad child! Believe me, if I'm your Mama, you'd be my favourite child. So don't cry anymore," China took out a hankerchief and mopped his eyes.

"Mama... Mama... I just thought of something..." Hong Kong sniveled.

"Yes aru?"

"Am I... am I a child conceived from rape? Is that why you refuse to acknowledge me as your son? Did Papa... did Papa rape you?" Hong Kong stammered.

Russia's furious visage contorted in shock. America's glassy gaze moved from the ceiling to Hong Kong. China was rendered speechless. When did this quiet child develop such an overactive imagination?

"That bastard England!" Russia spat. "I'm going to teach him a lesson!"

"Hold it!" America cried. "My Iggy is a gentleman! He wouldn't... he wouldn't commit such a beastly crime!"

"Gentleman?" Russia snorted derisively. "Have you seen that man when he's drunk?"

"But of course! We're drinking buddies! All he does is call me names!"

"That proves my point! He is vulgar! Vulgar people commit vulgar crimes like rape! I must punish that two-faced bastard! I must rid the world of such scum! I must seek justice for China because... because I failed to protect China and even accused him of being unfaithful. I'm sorry China! I've let you down!" Russia suddenly enveloped China in a hug and sobbed into his shoulder.

"Oomph...! ... Can't breathe!" China gasped as Russia squeezed out all the air from his lungs.

"That doesn't prove any point!" America yelled above Russia's sobbing. "For all we know, China seduced Iggy into sleeping with him..."

Russia let out such a roar of rage that China thought his eardrums had burst.

"How dare you! How dare you accuse prudish China who's never watched a single piece of erotica in all 4,000 years of his long life!" Russia turned around, grabbed America's collar and shook so hard that his glasses fell off his nose bridge.

"Excuse me, I think the word we're looking for is modest, but the point is, I DID NOT SLEEP WITH ENGLAND ARU!" China shouted.

"It's all right, I understand," Russia breathed heavily as a shaken America squatted down to retrieve his glasses. "That beast raped you. It's not your fault."

China groaned. Why oh why was it so hard to communicate with these self-righteous Westerners?

"I think we should reserve judgment until I've spoken to Iggy," America said firmly. "I'm going to visit him now. If it was really his fault, I'll make sure justice is meted out. If it was China who started it, I'll give all my armaments to Taiwan free of charge."

"I'll go with you, so that we don't waste time making sure that justice is meted out da," Russia's water pipe made an ominous chinking sound against his belt.

"Don't do rash things aru!" China cried as he made to follow the fuming duo to the door, but Hong Kong held on to him tightly.

"It's okay, Mama, I trust America-san. You should rest. This must have taken a toil on you."

"You!" China snapped at Lithuania. "Make yourself useful and follow them instead of sitting there and gawking!"

"I have a stomachache," Lithuania protested.

China rubbed his temples, fully aware that the embarrassing saga was still on-air and wondering if poor maligned England had made his escape.

**To be continued...**

* * *

Thanks for the questions! This is so much fun and there are so many interesting questions! I will try my best to get them all answered by the next chapter! I really got carried away with the 2nd question XD. As America is too busy to take calls now, please refrain from asking additional questions until the next chapter *bricked*. However, reviews are very welcome!

For the answer to 'How they fell in love with each other', I did a tiny bit of research to trace their diplomatic relations. It was very difficult for me to personify their relationship because Russia-China relations are actually very rocky in reality. It's like a love-hate relationship that spans over centuries, worthy of a soap opera! Because they're neighbours, they had lots of border conflicts. Although the Soviets started offering help to China's KMT in the 1920s, I don't think China, as a personified being, would be very pleased with them messing with his political parties and indirectly fueling a civil war. So in the end, I decided to say that China only started really liking Russia during their brief partnership in their communist days. Russia, on the other hand, has liked China since they first met but Russia, being Russia, expressed his love in very er... strange ways XD.

Here are some time periods in their history that I used. In the 13th century, Mongolia gained control over China and much or all of Russia. In the 16th century or mid 1600s, Russia began sending ambassadors to China to establish diplomatic relations but China refused for the first few times. In the 18th century during the 2nd opium war, China ceded lands near the Amur river and Ussuri Krai to Russia and made concessions to other Western powers after being forced to sign several unequal treaties. In 1949, China became 'reborn' as the People's Republic of China. Again, I only looked through this briefly and may not have gotten the details correct, so don't take my word for it!

On the topic of affairs, consider me a prude, but in my head canon, Russia and China have only been with each other and no one else. I don't like angsty stories and I detest people who cheat and have affairs, so obviously these are reflected in my stories. I used this opportunity to refute other pairings at the risk of offending some fandoms. However, I did write a cautionary note at the top, so I hope no one says stuff like 'but Lithuania is cute with Russia too' or 'Hong Kong is definitely England and China's son!'. My response to these would be - x_x

By the way, it can't be true that China has never watched a single piece of erotica (the label that Russians give to porn) because the Chinese have their own version of the Karma Sutra and artistic depiction of sex since waaay back. But maybe because Chinese (or Asians) in general aren't fond of displaying affection in public or are just more subtle and publicly shy about love and sex, we're often thought of as prudes XD


	3. Words of Wisdom from an Ancient World

**Axis Powers Hetalia (C) Hidekaz Himaruya. The plot is mine though, and subsequent ideas will eventually stem from readers, so don't copy it or 'adapt' it without permission.  
All characters are not representative of the countries whose names they coincidentally share.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 3: Words of Wisdom from an Ancient World  
**

Just as America and Russia made their way towards the exit, a huge apparition of a warrior with brown wavy hair, golden armor, a long red flowing cape and a cheeky grin appeared before their eyes, amplified by a spot light.

America, Russia, China, Hong Kong and Lithuania froze in their places as the handsome apparition began singing to opera music.

"In Hell, the Russians are paranoid, the Americans are gullible, the Chinese are melodramatic, the Lithuanians are long-suffering, and Ancient Rome is here to guide the lost little lambs. Woohoo!"

"Waaah! A ghost! A ghost! My studio is haunted!" America cried as he sobbed into Russia's shoulder.

"Get lost! My shoulder is only for China da!"

"What do you want!" China demanded as he made a martial arts pose, while Hong Kong mimicked him. "Don't try anything funny or I'll exorcise you with my Chinese wok aru!"

Lithuania doubled up in pain from the increased intensity of his stomachache.

"Calm down, children! I came to save the world from World War Three!" Ancient Rome said lazily.

"Don't call me a child aru!" China complained.

Ignoring China's outburst, Ancient Rome went on serenely, "Children, do you know why I'm so popular with the girls?"

Met with blank faces in response to the sudden change in topic, Ancient Rome sighed. Clapsing his palms in front of him, looking every bit like a vicar at Sunday church, he explained, "It's because I'm a great lover. I love all my men and women unconditionally. I fight for them, bleed for them, hurt for them. But most importantly, I never question their heart for me, and in return, some of them do the same for me, some of them don't alas. But my conscience is clear, for my love is pure, and I will continue loving till the ends of time. Children, it is not jealousy nor the desire for possession that binds two lovers, though these are good to have since they do add spice to a relationship, but that's another story! Trust is the fundamental block for any relationship. Trust enlarges your hearts, removes tension and creates more room for love! These are my wise words of wisdom for you, my dear troubled children." Ancient Rome folded his arms and smiled smugly, satisfied with his inspiring speech.

"Um ok, can someone translate all the mumbo jumbo that this ghost just said? How is this even related to saving the world from War?" America looked around at his companions with a confused expression on his face.

"Did he say something? Too... pain to listen..." Lithuania groaned.

"Aiya! If you want to say something important, just go straight to the point and keep your poetry recital for other times aru!" China scolded.

"What I mean is, you idiots," Ancient Rome snapped with his booming voice, scaring America into hiding under the coach, "Stop this nonsense with accusing each other for sleeping around with one another. In the first place, it's not a big deal, you Victorian prigs. Secondly, your accusations are completely groundless and based on suspicion which is the most unreliable kind of proof in the world. Lastly, men don't give birth. They just don't. Why else do you think all the Gods of the ancient worlds pass down their bloodlines through women?"

Finally, enlightenment dawned on his audience, and Ancient Rome heaved a sigh of satisfaction.

"Iggy! I knew you never betrayed me!" America cried as he punched his fists joyfully into the air.

"You see? I _told_ you Hong Kong was not my son aru!" China said triumphantly.

"Da, my little sunflower, I'm sorry for not listening to you. But you really shouldn't have doubted my love for you da~ You broke my heart when you accused me of having an affair with Lithuania," Russia looked at him mournfully with round puppy dog eyes, melting China's anger instantaneously.

"I'm sorry Russia, I won't do that again. I promise aru," China said guiltily as he gave him a hug.

"Aww I will forgive you, China," Russia smiled, "but only if we have makeup sex! Kolkolkolkol~"

"Noooo aru!" China cried as Russia picked him up in his arms and marched off to the back room.

"So I don't have parents after all?" Hong Kong said morosely, feeling left out and disappointed as a screaming and flailing China left his sight.

"No, son, nations don't have parents, so that makes you and me both! But since I practically watched all you nations grow up, you can consider me a father figure! Let's have a chat over some pasta? You look like you could do with some cheering up," Ancient Rome smiled genially.

"Can you eat?" Hong Kong asked curiously.

"Maybe yes, maybe not. Let's find out," Ancient Rome laughed. With that, the younger nation left the studio with the older ex-nation, his heart feeling lighter.

"Ah peace at last," America cried. "Now I can call my Iggy!"

Alas, his joy was cut short as the studio doors flew open yet again, revealing a furiously panting Poland clad in a Japanese school girl uniform.

"Jeez has security died? What's up with all these random people barging into my studio without permission!" America threw his arms up in frustration as Poland marched towards Lithuania.

"Boss?" suspected dead security guard called out. "You retrenched the production people and roped us in to help with the filming, yes? We can't be in two places!"

"Liet!" Poland thundered, "OK, so, like how dare you walk out in the middle of our role-playing? That was so totally god-awful of you! Like how often must I remind you to stop acting like a dog to that worst. jerk. evar of a Russian slimeball?"

"I'm sorry Poland, it's difficult to adjust after living under his tyranny for so long. But at least I'm managing better than some others. Latvia still faints whenever his pager buzzes," Lithuania said.

"Whatevar!" Poland said haugtily. "So like what's all this paraphernalia going on around the room anyway? Is the Russian slimeball planning another Cold War or something? I'll totally make his capital Warsaw!"

"But didn't you see the sign outside the room just now? We're in America-san's studio," Lithuania explained.

"OHMIGOSH!" Poland squealed. "So we're like on air now? Wow I thought the lit-up 'On Air' sign outside was a phoney! Duh! Silly me!" Flicking his blonde hair flirtatiously and smiling into a camera screen, he cooed, "Hi everyone! This is Poland here and my hobbies are like everything pink! I like pink ponies, pink rooms, pink..."

"Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!"

* * *

_Omake - During the commercial break_

"Iggy!" America yelled excitedly into his cellphone. "It's me, America!"

"I know, you _baka_! There's something called a caller ID. And how many times must I tell you not to call me by that stupid nickname," came a brusque voice from the other end.

"As many times as you like, but guess what? I'll never stop! Ahahaha!" America chuckled.

"Fine, you bastard. I'm cutting off the line now!" England threatened.

"Ah don't! My dear Igg- ah England! Sorry! Were you watching television just now?" America asked.

"No, _baka_. I'm busy in the kitchen baking scones. Why? You're not asking me to watch another of your confounded talkshows I hope?"

"Aww, then you missed my heroic antics of standing up for you and preventing World War Three!" America pouted.

"So what's new? For your own good, you should really stop meddling with other nation's affairs. Look at me, I lead a peaceful life and I focus on my domestic affairs. Nobody's threatening to blow me up because I don't go around trying to stop someone from blowing up someone else right?"

"Lucky you to live in ignorance," America rolled his eyes.

A scream, followed by a loud hiss and several crude words issued from the other end. "You bastard! My scones are burnt! And it's all thanks to you! Why do you always have to pick the most inconvenient times to call, _baka_?"

"Why are you blaming me when you would have burnt your scones anyway as you always do?" America huffed.

The line went dead.

* * *

"Welcome back to Hero of the World! Well looks like we accidentally overshot for the previous segment, so I hope that makes up for the lengthy commercial break we had. Apart from waiting for our guests to finish up with their activity, I had to find China a new set of clothes," he took a glance at his two guests, a very smiley Russia and a very grumpy China. China was now clad in a security guard uniform that America had borrowed (robbed) from his crew. The tattered and torn 'I love America' tshirt was left in shreds beyond repair in the back room.

"China, I think you just helped me uncover my interest in uniform fetish da~! I'm thinking so many naughty thoughts about you now," Russia said suggestively.

"Well spare me from the details! I don't want to know aru!" China snapped.

"Ahem, can we continue with the talkshow please?" America urged.

"Yes, let's get this over and done with aru," China said impatiently.

"I need to buy a uniform for China da~!" Russia sang.

"Ok, we have a simple question from Huai-ai, 'What do you think of each other?'. There, it's that simple. Please don't turn it into anything more complicated or I'll have to buy more airtime and tape," America mopped perspiration off his brow.

"Well, Russia is a bit possessive, a bit annoying with his 'become one with me' nonsense, has a bit too much libido and is a tad on the fat side, but overall, he is very sweet and adorable when he's not in one of is yandere moods," China said thoughtfully.

"Well, China likes freedom a bit too much, is a bit annoying with his 'you're holding your chopsticks wrongly' nonsense, is a bit conservative and is a tad on the skinny side, but overall, he is very kind and gentle when he's not in one of his tsundere moods," Russia said thoughtfully.

"Ah ha, talk about how opposites attract!" America clapped his hands. "All right, next up, we have a question from a birthday girl, Kiki4ever. Oh sorry, belated birthday girl. Apparently this programme has gone on for two long and we're a few days late! I hope we'll have a satisfactory answer for her. Right, the question is for Russia. 'Does China ever top?' and she thinks it would be sexy if he did!"

"AIYA! What kind of dumb question is this aru?" China cried as his face turned beetroot red.

"Shush, China! The question is for Russia, don't interrupt!" America chided, as the grin on Russia's face grew broader.

"China does top of course~!" Russia declared while China buried his face in his palms.

"Really? That's unbelievable! I can never get my Iggy to top me! Can you give me some advice?" America asked eagerly.

"Because China always complains that I crush him with my body weight, we've been experimenting with positions when he's on top~ Even if I'm inside him, the positions give him much freedom so that he can be in control if he wants to da~ and mind you, he's actually very masterful when he wants to be~"

"Stop it! Stop it aru!" China clapped his hands over his head to cover his ears.

"And we've done the Love Seat, the Hot Hula, the Supernova, the Bucking Bronco..."

"Enough! Don't speak anymore aru!" China shrieked as he lunged on top of Russia and began hitting him at every spot he could reach.

"Aww China, I didn't know you wanted me so much da~"

America slapped his forehead in exasperation as he heard a loud ripping sound of clothing, presumeably that of a security guard uniform.

"We're taking a commercial break! Kiki4ever gets a free studio pass to watch the action! Happy belated birthday and we hope you enjoy the fanservice! We'll be right back after the break! Or at least after Russia's done..."

"Nooooooo aru!"

**To be continued...**

* * *

lol covered 2 more questions! Gosh I'm really slow, but the lines are open, so feel free to send in questions anyway although it may take awhile before they eventually get to your questions ^^; Haha don't feel bad about asking perverted questions XD it's all right if you don't sign in.

Ah China has so many costume changes. I wonder what he should wear in the next segment lol.

By the way, the positions with the funny names, they do exist. Go and google them yourself. Ohohoho~ But make sure you're 18 and above.


	4. China Hates Roughing it Out

**Axis Powers Hetalia (C) Hidekaz Himaruya. The plot is mine though, and subsequent ideas will eventually stem from readers, so don't copy it or 'adapt' it without permission.  
All characters are not representative of the countries whose names they coincidentally share.**

**

* * *

****Chapter 4: China Hates Roughing It Out**

"Aaaand we're back from commercial break again!" America beamed into the camera. "Hello everyone! Sorry for the extra-long time-out! I had to go out of the studio to look for a new outfit for China. And may I take this opportunity, Russia, to urge you to not destroy it too or China will have to go naked for the next segment."

"Da~ I wouldn't mind that. But China looks so cute in this dress that I wouldn't bear to destroy it. Kolkolkolkol~"

America began to wonder if he had made the right choice of making China wear a waitress uniform that he had borrowed from one of the nearby bars when right now, Russia looked like he would like nothing better than to swallow China up in one gulp. China, on the other hand, was fussing with his oh-so-short skirt and apron that barely covered half the length of his slender thighs, pulling this way and that as though the fabric would multiply miraculously if he kept tugging it.

"Aiya why is it so short aru?" China complained when it became evident that dresses do not just grow longer because one pulled them.

"It's a bar uniform for a girl. It's meant to be short and sexy. Be glad it's not Hooter's," America said. "Anyway, it suits you, so don't complain so," America grinned mischievously.

"Oh so you agree that my China is sexy, do you? Are you hitting on him? Kolkolkolkol~" Russia took out his waterpipe and began tapping it against his thigh menacingly.

"Of course not!" America gulped. "Anyway, on to the next question from RussiaFangirl! Have you two ever felt anything for each other back then?"

"But of course! Like I said earlier, it was love at first sight for me when I met China da~"

"Russia claims he loved me, but he really gave me a lot of grief back then when he kept stealing my land aru."

"Each time I got land from China, it made me happy, because it meant that China was slowly but surely becoming one with me da~"

"I absolutely hated it when he kept stalking me in his panda outfit. I always got a shock when he'd suddenly pull the head off to kiss me aru!"

"But I forced myself to wear that hot panda suit because I know China loves pandas da~"

"And until now, he still annoys me with his 'become one with me nonsense' aru."

"That's because I love China so much that I want you to become one with me da."

"Aiya! I'm being perfectly serious aru! Will you stop throwing the word 'love' around so casually aru!" China flared up. "To want something isn't to love aru!"

"B... but... I'm serious! That's how I express my love for China da? Do you not like it?" Russia asked in a wobbly voice as tears filled his eyes.

"Um no! It's not that I don't like it," China hastily clarified. "It's just that it makes me uncomfortable that you keep using the word..."

"Waaah! China doesn't love me! I should have let myself get beaten to death by Mongolia hundreds of years ago! I want to die now! Waaah!" Russia wailed piteously and began pummeling his head against the cushions.

"Actually, hitting your head against the coffee table might be more effective," America suggested.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry aru!" China held on desperately to Russia's arm. "Please don't act like this aru!"

"Waaah! Why should you care how I act when you don't love me? Just go away and leave me to die!" Russia keeled over on the couch and sobbed into a cushion.

"Aiya! I do care about you! Stop acting like a lunatic and listen to me aru!" China put his arms around Russia and tried to comfort him.

"Water pipe... where's my water pipe... I'm going to knock myself out so I don't ever have to awake to this horrible reality again..." Russia began feeling around his coat for his precious weapon.

"Hang on, Russia, I have a shotgun that you can use," America felt around his own jacket.

"Aiya!" China gripped Russia's shoulder and shook him hard. Staring earnestly into the watery violet eyes, he said, "Russia, I. Love. You. I. Love. You. Russia. There I've said it, happy now?" China released his hands and sank back into his seat, his face beetroot red. He had said something he hardly ever liked to say, and on national television too.

Russia, to his disappointment, was unimpressed. "You only said that to stop me from killing myself da~? I know you too well, because I love you, but you don't love me da?" Russia began attacking the cushions with his head again.

"Aiya you stupid jerk aru!" China shrieked. "If I don't love you, I wouldn't have let you fuck me whenever your hormones start raging which is like every fucking quarter of an hour you heartless scoundrel!"

China's outburst was followed by one of the longest, loudest and most pronounced silences American television had ever experienced since mimes fell out of trend.

"Well I think it's time to go for a commercial break!"

* * *

"Welcome back to Hero of the World!" America said solemnly. "Apologies for the crude content you guys had to put up with before the commericlal break. Honestly, the F word was the last thing I'd expect from our usually modest guest, so it didn't occur to us to have the censor machine on hand. We hope those who are watching TV with their little ones will find it in your heart to forgive us! Now on to the next question..."

"I don't want to do this show anymore aru!" China cried, his eyes red and puffy from an obvious bout of crying earlier on during the commercial break.

"There, there, it's ok, my little sunflower, sooner or later everyone will forget about it da~" Russia patted China's back consolingly. He tried, and failed to suppress a spontaneous giggle from the sweet memory of China's bizarre confession.

"You think it's funny, don't you!" China snapped.

"Well it is kind of funny, but I'm glad you said it. I'd not have been assured of your feelings otherwise, given your frequent mood swings da~" Russia stretched out a hand and pinched China's cheek playfully, evoking a snarl from the furious nation.

"Russia, don't provoke him further," America implored. "Don't you think we should change the subject so that people will forget about China's uh... little episode more quickly?"

"All right," China sniffed. "Bring on the next question aru."

"Right," America said, "The next question is from chococookiesld to Russia. How often does China cross-dress during sex and what kind of outfits does he wear?"

"What kind of perverted question is that aru?" China shouted. "How can you allow such questions on your show! How is this even relevant to diplomatic relationships which I thought was the topic of this talkshow aru?"

"Why ever not?" America blinked. "It's just a healthy discussion on sex education. I know we're getting off-topic, but I believe in freedom of speech. Besides, it seems that the audience prefers this stuff to politics."

"Da~ I prefer the topic at hand too~" Russia smiled sunnily. "To answer your question, we don't usually care about the clothes since I prefer him naked, but for the occasional roleplaying, China has dressed up as a nurse, a cheerleader, a school girl and a catgirl. The catgirl outfit is my personal favourite. It consists of a tiny latex black dress that barely covers his sexy butt, furry cat ears and even a cat tail~ My greatest wish is for him to wear a French maid costume but he would never agree to it, saying it's subservient behaviour which he hates. This waitress costume is a good alternative though," Russia said wistfully, as China covered his face with his hands and kept whimpering 'No' at regular intermissions.

"Oh...kaaay," America said as he willed himself to stop trying to picture China in said outfits. "Thanks for your detailed answer. Moving on..."

"I really want to make love to China while he's wearing an apron da~" Russia remarked with a straight face.

"Er can't help you there pal, you'll just have to wait until the end of this programme," America said.

"'Wait' doesn't exist in the Russian dictionary da~! Kolkolkolkol~!" Russia said as he pulled a startled China on to his lap.

"Noooooooo aru!"

"Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!"

* * *

"Welcome back to Hero of the World! That was a long commercial break again! Sorry! Jeez I'm really sick of apologizing for the same thing over and over again! Can't you spare a thought for other people, Russia?" America complained.

"But I did! I was a good boy. I didn't destroy China's clothes this time," Russia pouted.

"I'm on this with America aru! I wish you would at least ask for my consent before you... before you..." China turned beetroot red and hung his head in mid-sentence.

"Before I make love to you da? But why do I need consent when you're my property?" Russia said cheerfully.

"Why you-!"

"Moving on, people!" America interrupted. "Here is a question from Zenigami! It's for Russia again!"

China groaned while Russia set up straight.

"Oh but it's non-perverted for a change!" America said, "How do you think China will react to all the mushy romance-y RoChu fanfictions that she tends to skip for darker themed ones?"

"No need to ask him. I hate all RoChu fanfictions and doujinshis in any form aru. I think people who write and read fanfictions and doujinshis about me and Russia doing lovey-dovey things need to get their heads checked," China said fiercely.

"Ouch, that's harsh. That's almost all your fans then," America winced.

"Oh don't listen to China," Russia laughed. "He actually loves reading RoChu fluff very much. He hides in his study, stares at his computer and giggles and sighs over them when he thinks I'm not looking. He's really a sucker for mushy romance."

"You peeped at me while I was in my study aru?" China gasped. "Didn't I tell you that my study is out of bounds? You're sneaky aru!"

"It's even sneakier to lie," America remarked drily.

"Personally, I prefer the R18 ones. They give me so many wonderful ideas about the perverted things I can do to my little sunflower! My recent favourite is Sticky by haragurotan~" Russia said.

[Shameless self-plug lol]

"Nobody's asking you!" China snapped.

"It's funny that you like the romance stories though. I thought only girls like that stuff," America chuckled.

"It's for the same reason why girls like to read romance. Those fluff-writers are always portraying this perverted bear as some kind of adorable puppy dog or Prince Charming. Now if Russia was just half as adorable and gentle as what they imagine him to be, I'd be satisfied aru," China crossed his arms moodily.

"Aw~ You should have told me earlier. If China wants me to roleplay as a prince, I'm game for it~"

China gasped in surprise as Russia got down on one knee, took China's hand and kissed the back of it.

Gazing soulfully at China, he said, "My sweet little sunflower, will you become one with me?"

Lost in Russia's violet eyes, his heartbeat pulsating more quickly than usual, China mummured, "... yes aru."

China was jolted out of his trance when he was suddenly lifted off the couch in a bridal carry style.

"Wh... what are you doing aru?"

"I'm taking you to the backroom where we can become one da~ Kolkolkolkol~!"

"Noooooo aru!"

"We'll be back after a commercial break!"

* * *

"We're back after the commercial break! Blah blah blah you get the drill," America said impatiently. "Here's a question from Omi-chan-Neko! China, when Russia has too much vodka and is, to put it bluntly, drunk, what happens? Or more specifically, what happens to YOU, China?"

"I refuse to have any more part in this sick talkshow aru," China declared.

"In that case, Omi-chan-Neko says it's all right to pass the question to Russia," America replied.

"Hm... I would love to answer it, but the thing is, the word 'drunk' doesn't exist in my dictionary da~ There's no such thing as too much vodka," Russia said.

"Rubbish!" China exclaimed violently. "You get drunk whenever you're in a bad mood, and you do horrible things to me when you are drunk. You just have no recollection when you wake up aru."

"Really? What horrible things would I do to you? I really have no idea," Russia cocked his head in genuine curiosity.

"You would... you would be really rough... and your movements would be more intense than usual... to the extent that I would bleed, and you wouldn't stop even when I beg you to. And you would always demand more when I'm on the verge of passing out... I mean, I'm just thinking of this from a scientific point of view. I thought alcohol decreases sexual arousal so I'm just wondering... erm..." China felt his whole body grow hot. What the hell was he doing, discussing their sex life on national TV?

A pained expression appeared on Russia's face. "You're not joking da?"

"Aiya I don't joke about this sort of thing aru," China gritted his teeth.

"I'm so sorry, China!" Russia cried as he threw his arms around China. "I didn't know I was so awful to you. I won't get drunk ever again. I promise!"

"That would be good aru," China mumbled as he patted the beige blonde head.

"Ne~ my poor little sunflower, how about I make it up to you now?" Russia whispered breathily into his ear.

"Er... meaning?" China asked, dreading to hear the answer.

"I'll be extremely gentle to you, but you must be a good boy and not struggle da? Kolkolkolkol~!" A loud zipping sound issued from behind, as China felt his dress fall off his shoulders.

"Nooooooo aru!"

"Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!

**To be continued...**

* * *

Freetalk: Ok this is getting crackier by the minute TAT. I usually write stuff that's more sensible, but oh well, this is meant for fun and laughter XD. I wanted to keep this to a healthy PG rating. I really do. But everyone kept asking perverted questions so I have no choice but to up the rating and pander to everyone's interest *bricked*. A plug for my new LJ fanfic journal **haragurotan-livejournal-****com** (change the dashes to dots) where I will be posting new chapters first and possibly other stuff that's too perverted to be paraded in public.

Thanks for all the kind words. I'm glad you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing this. Regarding Hong Kong's thick eyebrows, I vaguely remembered that it was mentioned somewhere in the original series or some character profiling that England cursed him to have thick eyebrows because he annoyed him with his fireworks? I really can't remember and I might be mistaken so do let me know if I'm wrong about this.

As always, feel free to send in your questions! Russia and China will definitely get to them! Silly questions, intelligent questions, perverted and non-perverted questions... all are welcome! But do note that I have little interest in politics and modern history, so if you ask an intelligent question, you may not necessarily get an intelligent answer in return XD This is just a cautionary note. I'll try my best to answer them sensibly though.


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